Every so often everyone feels broken in some way or another, lately has been one of those times for me. Not broken as in "I feel like crying", but more of a "I don't feel like I'm working right at the moment." It's certainly strange, there are moments that I feel like almost a superman at work and others when I feel like the only thing I can do is trip over my own feet. In the same shift, nonetheless.
Maybe this new inconsistency is partially due to the fact that my self-esteem is pretty much beyond repair. Take for instance, a computer fan that is on its last leg, sometimes it works like new, quiet, smooth and silent; yet most of the time the fan sounds like it's going to melt, blow up or otherwise cause some untold destruction. That's what my self-esteem "sounds" or feels like right now. One minute I will be on top of the world, and the next I'm thinking that I'm the dirt that no one cares about.
What the exact cause of this is, I'm unsure of. But one thing I do know: the recent* drought of dating or girl interaction in general is certainly one of the contributing factors to my "broken" state. Although I have come to this realization, it has not changed anything. They say, "Knowledge is power," but I say, "Knowledge makes you feel insignificant and useless." Not as catchy, but far more prevalent, in this case at least.
*Please note: by recent I mean about a year and a half and counting.
This general feeling of dirt towards the opposite sex has now seeped into my subconscious, so now, whenever I see a girl that catches my attention, I do a ring check and usually that takes care of any further trouble, but if there isn't a ring, I either, judging by the company she is with, find myself thinking: "She must look older than she looks," or "She is probably texting her boyfriend." Of course most of these assumptions are not backed by any facts, but that doesn't stop me from thinking these depressing thoughts. I know that realistically, my chances with a complete stranger are minuscule to begin with, but it's nice to look around and see possibilities, not dead ends.
It also doesn't help that when I'm at work I see all the happy relationships that all my coworkers are in, whether it be dating, engagement or marriage. I know that none of them mean to, but their actions bring to my mind stark, painful, undimmed memories from when I had a girlfriend. Especially since most of the dating relationships that I'm aware of around the store involve two employees, and my ex-girlfriend was working at the store when I met her (I was working there at the time, too) and about half of the time we were dating. I guess I'm just cursed with those memories until the end of time . . . oh, well.
Well, I will say it. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I'm sick of the short end of the stick getting thrust in my face, even when I just looked at the stick with minor interest. I'm tired of getting judged too quickly. I guess that I should just accept that I got lucky and that's that. I don't want to throw in the towel on this one, but there is really no point in fighting and getting my already broken self-esteem beat viciously into the ground by the merciless hands of the opposite sex. And the most depressing thing is that they don't even know that they are doing it at all. Every girl should have to take a class when they are 12 on how not to abuse the self-esteem of boys. But then, of course, most would take that as an invitation to manipulate males and make our lives a living hell. Oh, wait, that's already true.
Yes, I'm bitter. But I think you would be too if you had been through what I have. Maybe not, maybe everyone out there is better at coping with life than me. It sure seems that way. Well, that is enough bitterness for one night. And to anyone that actually bothered to read all of this post, I congratulate and give you brownie points galore! : )