Sunday, May 16, 2010

Thoughts . . . .

Every so often along the road of life, I find myself plagued by unnecessary attraction to the opposite sex. By unnecessary I mean that it seems like the timing couldn't be any worse. Ever since I have been home this has been really bad. I am unsure as to the onset of these feelings, I figure that it must be a culmination of memories, a familiar environment and my mom's cooking. : ) I know, since I'm planning on going on a mission, that I should be avoiding all contact with the opposite sex at this point. I have to say that this spike in hormones is extremely annoying to say the least. Not only is it harder to keep my mind on things that it should be on, but also a mirage of opportunities that don't really exist is bothersome. I'm not saying this to be accusing, but it seems like every relationship opportunity I have had for the past year has been a dead end waiting to point and laugh at me at being dumb enough to venture down it, and to me it seems like it's the Man Upstairs that's making them not work out. Either that or I just have terrible luck with women. Both are real possibilities in my mind.
I dislike failure a lot because I am a perfectionist, and so it makes it really hard when a girl says to me, "I'm not ready to deal with a relationship," after one date. It makes me wonder if I'm just coming on too strong or if I just missed something altogether. Another blow to the self-esteem is when that same girl gets engaged 2 months later. That begs me to ask the always unasked question, "So you lied to me, right?" After 4 times of this happening (not the extreme cases of being engaged [that only happened to me once], but getting a serious boyfriend) since being dumped it makes me wonder if something is really wrong with me.
To be honest, I have become so unconfident and self conscious that it has left me scarred to some extent. Not as bad as being made fun of when I was little would have done to me, but scarred nonetheless. Another aggravant to the whole situation is the fact that my sister is now back home for a week. I know she doesn't mean to, but when she cuddles with her husband when we are watching a movie or when they hold hands it makes me miss when I did have a girlfriend. I miss the holding hands, I miss watching movies together on the couch with my arm around her, I miss the stolen kisses, and most of all I miss having someone that if I saw them that I know would make my day a good day, no matter how bad that day had been.
Bottom line: It's not fair.
Answer the the bottom line: Life's not fair.
*sigh* The least my hormones could do for me is not make it so painfully clear when someone attractive walks by me in produce. I mean I'm fine with a little, but so much of this is complete overkill. Annoying overkill that's driving me mad. I guess I don't know what the future holds, so the most I can do is sit back, hold and tight and let Life do its thing.
Bring it on!