I dislike failure a lot because I am a perfectionist, and so it makes it really hard when a girl says to me, "I'm not ready to deal with a relationship," after one date. It makes me wonder if I'm just coming on too strong or if I just missed something altogether. Another blow to the self-esteem is when that same girl gets engaged 2 months later. That begs me to ask the always unasked question, "So you lied to me, right?" After 4 times of this happening (not the extreme cases of being engaged [that only happened to me once], but getting a serious boyfriend) since being dumped it makes me wonder if something is really wrong with me.
To be honest, I have become so unconfident and self conscious that it has left me scarred to some extent. Not as bad as being made fun of when I was little would have done to me, but scarred nonetheless. Another aggravant to the whole situation is the fact that my sister is now back home for a week. I know she doesn't mean to, but when she cuddles with her husband when we are watching a movie or when they hold hands it makes me miss when I did have a girlfriend. I miss the holding hands, I miss watching movies together on the couch with my arm around her, I miss the stolen kisses, and most of all I miss having someone that if I saw them that I know would make my day a good day, no matter how bad that day had been.
Bottom line: It's not fair.
Answer the the bottom line: Life's not fair.
*sigh* The least my hormones could do for me is not make it so painfully clear when someone attractive walks by me in produce. I mean I'm fine with a little, but so much of this is complete overkill. Annoying overkill that's driving me mad. I guess I don't know what the future holds, so the most I can do is sit back, hold and tight and let Life do its thing.
Bring it on!