Note to Self on Staying Alive . . . .

Don't EVER attempt a u-turn, in the middle of the night, with no moon . . . in the middle of the highway . . . right in front of traffic!

So there I was, cruising down the highway at 65 MPH at about 10 PM and there was a van stopped on the side of the road. The car in front of me signaled and got in the other lane to go around them and give them a wide birth, but when I tried to follow suit, the van suddenly turned on his left blinker. It crossed my mind that it was a strange time for them to merge back onto the highway, right when I was trying to pass them, but I figured that they were in a hurry and they had seen that I had got into the other lane to avoid hitting them. Then came the most unexpected thing possible: they kept turning, and attempted to do a u-turn . . . in the middle of the night, with no moon . . . in the middle of the highway . . . RIGHT in front of me!

I have always heard people say that when something extremely dangerous happens that time slows down. They are right. Time seemed to stop for a second and I saw, to my horror, that they had turned left in an attempt to turn around, and even though they weren't in my lane yet, I could see that I was going to hit them square in the side if I kept going straight. In this split second span of time my mind searched for possible routes around the van.

First thought: Brake!

[Braking action]

Second thought: Go right. Around the back end of the van in the learned, drivers ed. fashion.

Reason(s) for failure:
1. There isn't enough room to turn that sharply; the angle needed would most likely roll the car right into the van killing everyone. Possibility of failure: 98% - 100%

[No action]

Third thought: Go left. Around the front of the van, off the side of the road.

Reason(s) for failure:
1. This action means turning in front of the van which could cause collision to passenger side.

2. Also, this action requires going into the ditch off the road which might result in rolling the car, blowing out the tires, running into some unseen obstacle in the weeds, or running into the fence. Possibility of failure: 50% - 80%

Decision: Turn left.

[Turn left]

Keep in mind that these thoughts were going through my head in less than a second of real time because that was about the reaction time. That being said, I did not literally think all those words, but the general ideas were passed through my brain but it was more literally like this, "Thatwayroomnotenoughotherwaychancegonow!" But that's no fun. : )

So I turned left.

It wasn't an immediate, direct drop off the edge of the road since there was a turn off into a field.

So this is where my decision took place

After I turned left.

Just before the drop, right when he almost hit me.

The danger of him hitting me was mostly over but now I had worry about the side of the road.

When I was airborne. Well, my front half. I thought I was going to roll here.

All I was trying to do was maintain control and get back on the road.

I almost hit the post here.

The fear started fading slightly here when I realized that I was still alive.

This is where I started hyperventilating.

And so there you have it. The closest I have ever come to dying. Now, I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I had someone watching over me and dad. There were so many things that could have gone wrong and killed me, dad and the people in the van. I could have rolled, t-boned, got t-boned, blew a tire or ran into the post or the fence. I must say, even though I had help, my reflexes were very quick too. I'm sure playing video games helped that, believe it or not.

Anyway, I'm glad me, dad and everyone else involved are alive.

{Peace}

P.S. I hope you enjoyed the illustrations. : ) You can thank Adobe Illustrator CS4 for these images. : )

You Should All Be Thankful That I'm Writing This Instead of Playing Fallout 3 . . . .

Every so often everyone feels broken in some way or another, lately has been one of those times for me. Not broken as in "I feel like crying", but more of a "I don't feel like I'm working right at the moment." It's certainly strange, there are moments that I feel like almost a superman at work and others when I feel like the only thing I can do is trip over my own feet. In the same shift, nonetheless.
Maybe this new inconsistency is partially due to the fact that my self-esteem is pretty much beyond repair. Take for instance, a computer fan that is on its last leg, sometimes it works like new, quiet, smooth and silent; yet most of the time the fan sounds like it's going to melt, blow up or otherwise cause some untold destruction. That's what my self-esteem "sounds" or feels like right now. One minute I will be on top of the world, and the next I'm thinking that I'm the dirt that no one cares about.
What the exact cause of this is, I'm unsure of. But one thing I do know: the recent* drought of dating or girl interaction in general is certainly one of the contributing factors to my "broken" state. Although I have come to this realization, it has not changed anything. They say, "Knowledge is power," but I say, "Knowledge makes you feel insignificant and useless." Not as catchy, but far more prevalent, in this case at least.
*Please note: by recent I mean about a year and a half and counting.
This general feeling of dirt towards the opposite sex has now seeped into my subconscious, so now, whenever I see a girl that catches my attention, I do a ring check and usually that takes care of any further trouble, but if there isn't a ring, I either, judging by the company she is with, find myself thinking: "She must look older than she looks," or "She is probably texting her boyfriend." Of course most of these assumptions are not backed by any facts, but that doesn't stop me from thinking these depressing thoughts. I know that realistically, my chances with a complete stranger are minuscule to begin with, but it's nice to look around and see possibilities, not dead ends.
It also doesn't help that when I'm at work I see all the happy relationships that all my coworkers are in, whether it be dating, engagement or marriage. I know that none of them mean to, but their actions bring to my mind stark, painful, undimmed memories from when I had a girlfriend. Especially since most of the dating relationships that I'm aware of around the store involve two employees, and my ex-girlfriend was working at the store when I met her (I was working there at the time, too) and about half of the time we were dating. I guess I'm just cursed with those memories until the end of time . . . oh, well.
Well, I will say it. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I'm sick of the short end of the stick getting thrust in my face, even when I just looked at the stick with minor interest. I'm tired of getting judged too quickly. I guess that I should just accept that I got lucky and that's that. I don't want to throw in the towel on this one, but there is really no point in fighting and getting my already broken self-esteem beat viciously into the ground by the merciless hands of the opposite sex. And the most depressing thing is that they don't even know that they are doing it at all. Every girl should have to take a class when they are 12 on how not to abuse the self-esteem of boys. But then, of course, most would take that as an invitation to manipulate males and make our lives a living hell. Oh, wait, that's already true.
Yes, I'm bitter. But I think you would be too if you had been through what I have. Maybe not, maybe everyone out there is better at coping with life than me. It sure seems that way. Well, that is enough bitterness for one night. And to anyone that actually bothered to read all of this post, I congratulate and give you brownie points galore! : )
{Peace}

My Free Time . . . .

I have a moment so I figured that I would make a long over due blog entry. . . .

So lately in my free time I have been playing a lot of video games and I have beaten Half-Life 2 (Half-Life 2, episode one and episode two), TimeShift(no, this is not a typo, it's one word with a capital S), Motorstorm: Pacific Rift and I'm working on Bioshock at the moment.

Half-Life 2:

Pros: It has a good storyline that engages you, superb voice acting, awesome graphics and VERY realistic facial expressions for a FPS (especially Alyx).

Cons: The driving in this game sucks hardcore. They really could have put a little more effort into the driving aspect. At least in the PS3 version there are some bugs that should have been worked out during development that include: Framerate slowage on occasion and static in the audio at times that's very random and annoying. The framerates are understandable but the audio is unacceptable.

Other: This game is insanely hard and frustrating at times. Save often, because you will die . . . a lot. Even at the end of Episode Two they leave you hanging for the last episode which isn't even out yet. Why can't they hurry up and release it? (>_<)

Score: 8.5/10

TimeShift:

Pros: Decent graphics, solid framerates, and ammo crates! (^_^)

Cons: The vegetation doesn't look very realistic and the lack of anti-aliasing on the shadows makes it hard to see sometimes. The driving in this game is pretty bad, although it's not quite as bad as Half-Life 2. The voice acting is pretty bad and the enemies are unrealistically hard to kill (I'm sorry, but if someone gets shot a pointblank rang with a shotgun, that someone is not going to be getting back up, I don't care who you are or what armor you have). It becomes a waste of ammo just being thorough and clearing the levels.

Other: The story is almost a copy of Half-Life 2. In both games you are physicists that you don't know much about, you have similar looking girlfriends, you have similar suits that have almost the same computer voices, and the similarities go on. The only difference is the feel and the plot.

Score: 7/10

Motorstorm: Pacific Rift:

Pros: Fun off-road racing. Good graphics, good music, no cheesy weapons and nice feel.

Cons: This game is RIDICULOUSLY HARD! The first 2/3 of the races can be won without much problem but the last third are almost impossible to get all gold medals. It wouldn't be that bad if you didn't care and you were happy with the bronzes and silvers when you got them, but if you want the "get all the gold medals" trophy you're going to be having some heartache and frustration. The speed system also is not very realistic. My car had a 5 star rating and I was neck and neck with a car that had a 4 star rating and we both slammed on the boost at the same time on the final straight and he won by at least 3 car lengths. You do the math.

Other: I don't think that semi trucks or monster trucks should be in the game to save on realism, what little of it is left, anyway.

Score: 8/10

I haven't beat Bioshock yet so I can't give a review yet. I will when I do, but it might be awhile though. I like exploring too much.

I watched The Ring the other night, and I have always been curious about what The Ring Two was like so I watched it last night and so I will write review for that too.

The Ring Two:

The plot sucked hardcore. The first one at least made some sense. The second one at the end leaves you scratching your head and wondering about all the loose ends.

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

Like why in the world did Samara want a mom so bad? Why did she possess Aidan when she pulled him into the TV, but when she pulled in Rachael in she was fine and was able to escape? Why was Samara's mom the "The patron saint for you people"? And why did he also say, "Everyone who visits knows that song she hums"? Does that mean that Samara went around possessing a bunch of kids while the moms figured out who Samara's mother was and went to visit her in the mental hospital? What was up with Samara being afraid of drowning when her ghost is basically made up of water and her calling card is water on the floor? They made it seem like at the end that they really did get rid of her for good but what about all the other tapes that got made? What was up with the world inside the TV? That made no sense at all. Why did she have to jump off the cliff to escape? I know they were trying to reference the fact that the tape showed Samara's adopted mother jumping off the cliff and committing suicide, but what does that have to with escaping the TV world? And lastly, why didn't that teenage boy in the beginning like that girl he was on a date with? She was quite the looker. He was a jerk anyway, I'm glad he died . . . .

Score: 4/10

{Peace}

Of Work and Watches and Other Things . . . .

I became painfully aware that I haven't posted a blog entry quite a few days and only one in May. So, since it's June, I figured that I better post one.

All my free time has been eaten up by work lately. Last week with Memorial day and this week with my manager being gone I haven't had very many days off. The first tent sale of the year is also coming up faster than I would like. At least my paychecks will show the effort. Especially if I get the raise I asked for last week.

While on a trip last week I bought a watch at Wal-Mart that they were closing out for $35.

I think I got a good deal for a fully automatic, 21 jewel movement watch that looks pretty cool too. I also ordered some Charles Dumont watches off ebay a few days ago with faces that look sorta like this...

Except that they are silver instead of copper colored. I will post a picture of mine when I finally get it.

In other news, I started a new account on the PSN because I wanted to use a assault rifle on Modern Warfare 2 without ruining my accuracy percentage on the rankings (42.75%). And just for fun, I decided to make the user name look like I was a girl. And I was shocked to find that I got 7 friend requests right away and on my other account I only have 7ish friends total and I know 5 of them personally. I guess that girls that are good a MW2 are hott. : P

Oh, and one more thing. I might have a date. The time and day are yet to be determined if at all. She might not even consider it a date.... It's been WAY too long since I've gone on a real date though. *sigh*

{Peace}

Thoughts . . . .

Every so often along the road of life, I find myself plagued by unnecessary attraction to the opposite sex. By unnecessary I mean that it seems like the timing couldn't be any worse. Ever since I have been home this has been really bad. I am unsure as to the onset of these feelings, I figure that it must be a culmination of memories, a familiar environment and my mom's cooking. : ) I know, since I'm planning on going on a mission, that I should be avoiding all contact with the opposite sex at this point. I have to say that this spike in hormones is extremely annoying to say the least. Not only is it harder to keep my mind on things that it should be on, but also a mirage of opportunities that don't really exist is bothersome. I'm not saying this to be accusing, but it seems like every relationship opportunity I have had for the past year has been a dead end waiting to point and laugh at me at being dumb enough to venture down it, and to me it seems like it's the Man Upstairs that's making them not work out. Either that or I just have terrible luck with women. Both are real possibilities in my mind.

I dislike failure a lot because I am a perfectionist, and so it makes it really hard when a girl says to me, "I'm not ready to deal with a relationship," after one date. It makes me wonder if I'm just coming on too strong or if I just missed something altogether. Another blow to the self-esteem is when that same girl gets engaged 2 months later. That begs me to ask the always unasked question, "So you lied to me, right?" After 4 times of this happening (not the extreme cases of being engaged [that only happened to me once], but getting a serious boyfriend) since being dumped it makes me wonder if something is really wrong with me.

To be honest, I have become so unconfident and self conscious that it has left me scarred to some extent. Not as bad as being made fun of when I was little would have done to me, but scarred nonetheless. Another aggravant to the whole situation is the fact that my sister is now back home for a week. I know she doesn't mean to, but when she cuddles with her husband when we are watching a movie or when they hold hands it makes me miss when I did have a girlfriend. I miss the holding hands, I miss watching movies together on the couch with my arm around her, I miss the stolen kisses, and most of all I miss having someone that if I saw them that I know would make my day a good day, no matter how bad that day had been.

Bottom line: It's not fair.

Answer the the bottom line: Life's not fair.

*sigh* The least my hormones could do for me is not make it so painfully clear when someone attractive walks by me in produce. I mean I'm fine with a little, but so much of this is complete overkill. Annoying overkill that's driving me mad. I guess I don't know what the future holds, so the most I can do is sit back, hold and tight and let Life do its thing.

Bring it on!

{Peace}

Another Day, Another Entry . . . .

So my Photoshop class had no formal final, it was, instead, a project. The requirements were that it had to be a collage that "evoked an emotion." My first instinct was to do something depressing, but resisting that emotion, I did something exciting. Everybody likes winning, right? So that's what I did, someone who has won. Since it's my final, a good chunk of my grade is resting on this piece, so I'm worried. But personally, I love it.

You can see the picture large here. So, comment and let me know what you think of it!

{Peace}

Mother, Your Cries Will Not Go Unnoticed . . . .

So from the bottom of my heart I love my mother but sometimes. . . . Anyway mom, here is my self portrait.

And for the rest of my faithful readers, the original:

My sister probably recognizes this picture since it was taken at her wedding.

Anyhow, here is the original, vector, and the zip with the Illustrator file for download.

Don't forget to comment!

{Peace}